Alright I know I’ve been slacking. For that, I am sorry. However, things have been actually very good in my life lately so I haven’t had too much to write about. Unfortunately if I want to have any output at all I have to have a broken heart or being currently involved in a train wreck relationship. Since neither of these is happening right now, there is obviously no writing to be done. But Amanda inspired me to write today, and I learned that if I want to write all I have to do is break my own heart which is easier to do than it sounds. Therefore, I give you what I wrote tonight. Not much, since I got distracted a bunch of times and lost my train of thought. But at least it’s something. The first two things are just quotes I’ve been bouncing around in my head for the last couple days. Still trying to get them nailed down.

She was just a girl whose love blinded her to how strong his love was.

Life goes on, except for those of us who have lost. Some of us are swept out to sea, some of us pick ourselves up, and some of us never recover. We watch others live their lives as though they’ve never hurt, burning with jealousy because we can’t keep living without the one who lit our fire. Without the flame, all that’s left to do is try and keep up the façade of life.

He stared at the blank page, willing the words to come. He sat praying that somehow he would find a way to transform his complex emotions, thoughts and feelings into crude and mundane words. He stared and stared; hoping that by some miracle a divine hand would reach down and help him string together the words that would bring her back. But it was an exercise in futility. What was the point in even trying when she’d made her opinion clear time and time again; things just weren’t the same, they weren’t the same, and nothing was the same. God that was what really got him; her constant declarations and loudly voiced opinions of the state of their lives. Didn’t she know he understood? Didn’t she understand how deeply her words cut him every time she would say how uncertain things were? He mused over these questions before tossing them to the wind; there was no point wondering and hoping for answers when he knew none would be found.

He stared at the page for a while longer, before finally giving up and storming to the kitchen to grab the bottle. This routine was as familiar to him as breathing now. The only way to relieve the tension and frustration that came from trying to write that fucking letter was to drink, and drink deeply at that. It dulled the pain, dulled his senses and of course, dulled the gaping hole in his heart that ached every second of every day. The hole that had ached, burned, froze and HURT for the last 3 years. He paused in his search for the bottle, the sensation of time passing hitting him like a ton of bricks. 3 years? Had it really been that long? His hands started to shake as the hollow sensation settled into his stomach. He knew what was coming now. He started frantically digging through the cabinets trying to find the bottle before the storm hit.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” he muttered under his breath as he felt the tears begin to well and his throat begin to tighten. He wouldn’t lose composure again. If he could just find the damn bottle…

Suddenly his fingers skidded across the familiar shape of the bottle. Grasping it tightly, he jerked it out from the cabinet, tore the cap off and took a healthy swallow. The whiskey burned all the way down, just the way he knew it would. He waited for the quiet fire to flood out from his stomach into the rest of his limbs. And as the numbness set in, he knew peace for a while.

Groggily, he awoke to a sunbeam across his face. This was always the worst; the transition from numb bliss to gradual awareness. Images flashed across his vision, each one tearing its claws into him, each one a shattered glass fragment of her. There, a smile and there, a happy memory. Here a vision of her in tears and here an image of her as she walked away for the last time; her hair glowing like fire in the sunlight, her shadow a perfect silhouette of her state of mind, her hands clenched into the tiny fists he’d found so adorable. As the memory faded away, his awareness faded in. He looked around and realized he’d fallen asleep on the kitchen floor. Dammit, he thought, no wonder she left you. Look at you, you’re pathetic. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them and lifted himself up off the floor, an oddly poetic metaphor for the situation he’d put himself in.

I just realized that for the first time in a long time, I’m okay. I’m actually okay.

Brody

I’ve bent too far. The break is coming, although what’s going to break I don’t know. My hearts already broken. Could it be my soul? I’ve no idea. All I know is the break is coming. I’ve bent too far.

Brody

I haven’t done this for a while. Here’s what I’m listening to lately:

For the heartache:
All I Wanted – Paramore
Careful – Paramore
Decode – Paramore
Weightless – All Time Low
Poison – All Time Low
The Misson – Puscifier ft. Milla Jovovich
Sex On Fire – Kings Of Leon
To A Friend – Alexisonfire

To keep smiling:
The Blueprint 3 – Jay-Z
brand new eyes – Paramore
RIOT! – Paramore
Retaliation – Dane Cook

For everything else:
Old Crows/Young Cardinals – Alexisonfire
Crisis – Alexisonfire
This War Is Ours – Escape The Fate
Call Me Irresponsible, It’s Time – Michael Buble

Alright, so I have a couple back logged posts from the 22nd. I never posted them because they didn’t feel right. It’s hard to explain, but other writers will get what I’m talking about. I usually don’t post something unless it flows. If I have to force a post, it feels wrong and I won’t post it. But the first half of this one came very easily, and I like the way it sounds so here it is.

As the moments alone became less and less frequent, I became addicted to you. You were more addictive than any drug, and every embrace , every whispered word, every fleeting ghost of a kiss became my fix. I knew I was in trouble after the first kiss we shared left me weak in the knees and struggling to breathe.

I think what I’ll miss most is the whispered words to each other. When the hugs would turn into an embrace, which would become…just holding each other. It was like we both knew that the time we’d have together, alone, was getting shorter. I can’t remember the last time you melted into my arms like you did at Sunbreaker.

I know this for a fact: the words Sunbreaker Cove are going to break my heart for a long time. I can’t forget, as much as I’ve tried. The way your face looked, the way you felt in my arms, the urgency, the joy, the sadness. It’s unbelievable the things you made me feel that day.

The rest of it is in the previous post, if you can decode my sloppy handwriting

Let me tell you an odd story about on of my friends, Ms. Chals.

A long while ago, I don’t remember how long, I received a text from a number I didn’t know. It was something misogynistic about steak on the table. At first I was concerned for whoever the text was actually directed to, so I replied with a very justified, “WTF? Who the eff is this?” Turns out that one of Chals’ friends had borrowed her phone and texted me by accident. So her and I talked. And kept talking. Soon, she had become one of my best friends, someone who I knew would keep my secrets, and who I could talk to about anything. But there’s just one little quirk.

I have never met her.

Weird right? I have never met Ms. Chals in person, never even heard her voice. Yes internet, she is who she says she is. I know this for a face. Calm down. But this lack of meeting has caused problems in the past. I have pushed to meet her, and she has pushed back just as hard not to. I eventually decided that it didn’t matter, because every time I pushed too hard she wouldn’t talk to me for a few weeks. And it really doesn’t matter if I’ve never met her. She’s awesome and an ass kicking factory just like me and that’s all I need to know.

Ms. Chals is most likely one of the nicest people I have ever had the fortune of meeting. She has an amazing heart, and is genuinely an amazingly kind person. She doesn’t judge me, and will always listen to me whine. She also knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. Whenever I have a problem I know that I can text her, vent and then giggle like a fool. She has the most important quality I look for in a friend: she makes me laugh.

She has been incredibly supportive of me during this whole ordeal with Apple Jacks. She has kept me smiling. Instead of offering pointless advice, or saying the same old things everyone says, she instead takes my mind off of everything and makes me forget how bad I think things are.

I am so lucky she gave me a chance, that she talked to me and got to know me. I made an amazing friend who I can be myself around. Somedays she is such a blessing in disguise.

So Ms Chals. Please keep doing what you do best: making me laugh, making me smile, and continually amazing me with your capacity for kindness. I hope I can return the favor someday.

Brody

I had a post. At least I thought I didn’t. But I couldn’t get anything to make sense. So instead here’s all the writing I did today. Sorry if it’s tough to read.

“Cause Hope For Me Was A Place Uncharted”
“And It Hurts Remembering How It Felt To Shut Down”

It’s been a week. One week. Who knew that a person could run such an emotional gamut in such a short time? So what have I learned from then until now? Let’s make a list shall we?

1. You mean so much more to me than I could ever have guessed.
2. I think about you nonstop. The last few days, you are the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, the first thing I think of when I wake up, and all I think about between the two.
3. I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way again. I am completely terrified of the way my defenses melt around you.
4. I MISS you. I don’t think I missed Christine this much.

All in all, this is bat shit crazy. What am I supposed to do? You’re gone now. I’m not going to be seeing you anymore. So what do I do? I don’t want to forget you. I want this to work. I want you to leave him and be mine. How can I make you see that I’m better? From what I hear, he treats you so badly. How do you put up with that? You are so much better than that, and somewhere deep down you know it. I wish you wanted better, because I would be everything he’s not, do everything for you he doesn’t, treat you the way he won’t. There would be no stupid fights, no stupid jealousy, no controlling pathetic bullshit. It would just be you and me and that’s all. That’s all I need.

Let me let you in on a little secret. You wore vanilla perfume this weekend, and every time I smelled it I was almost in tears. The memories it brought back, the force with which they hit me was amazing. You probably already know this, but when we said goodbye on Sunday I was barely holding it together. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to begging.

I will forever regret last weekend. I was too stubborn and thickheaded, thats for damn sure. There’s so much left unsaid, so much that can’t be expressed through a Tweet, so much that can’t be fully voiced through a text. I wish I’d had the courage to sit you down, look you in the eyes and say what’s been on my mind. I know there’s no way I would have convinced you, but at least I could say I tried.

I miss you so much. I feel so empty, so hollow and so cold. I wish…well you know what I wish. At least I hope you do.

Do you know it’s your eyes that really make me crazy? I feel like you see right through me. When things were good, those eyes made me feel like the most important man alive. Lately…well, lately I can’t even look into your eyes. They just make me cry now, make me see what could have been.

What are you thinking? What’s going on in your head now? What are you feeling? Do you miss me, at all? Do you still feel the same? I’m dying to know. I would do anything to know. So please, if you’ve got an answer to any of these questions please tell me. PLEASE! Because not knowing is the worst part.

Brody

Alright, I don’t totally know where this came from at all. I was just about to go out for a cigarette, and I just had this sudden urge to write. I don’t really know if this fits in with the short story, but here’s what came out.

I pushed and pushed, never stopping, until finally the world pushed back. I tried to hold and bend with the pressure, like a leaf in the wind. I bent and bent, until finally the world broke me.

My heart broke, my soul split and my mind snapped. The world turned my broken self over, and laughed in my face. In a rumbling voice, filled with malice and hate, the world whispered in my ear, “This is what happens when you push and bend. Don’t you know yet; you’re just a man. No man is unbreakable. Now you’ve learned what it takes to break a man.”

Seriously, what the eff?

“Sometimes it’s easier to say you just don’t care, than to explain every single reason why you do”

I gave up. It’s really as simple as that. I gave up on Apple Jacks. I gave up on the possibility of us. And probably the saddest part, I gave up on the hope I’d felt for us.

I’ve been making excuses this whole week. Excuses for my behavior, and my temper and the way I’ve been treating people. It’s unfair, and I’m sorry. I have no legitimate excuse. The core of the problem lies with this whole snafu. I’m disappointed in myself for acting the way I did. I’ve been wondering; how could she do this to me? If she really felt the way she did, she would never have treated me this way. But the truth is, if I really felt the way I said I did, I would’ve fought. For her, for us, for the feelings she instilled in me.

This whole thing is so confusing. I know what I felt, and I would swear till I was blue in the face it was real. So why did I give up? Why?

I can think of several reasons, none of which I want to accept. I could say I did it because I’m not what’s best for her. That’s a lie. I’m better than he is, better for her, better all around.

I could say she was just some girl, and it was just a game. That’s a lie. I know what I felt is and was real, and I know I meant every word I said.

I could say I was too scared and ran, because that’s what I always do. But that’s a lie too. I was better with her. I was better for her. She made me want to rise above the life I’d built for myself. She made me believe I was more than I’d made myself.

So why did I do it? There really seems to be no answer. It would appear I just…gave up. And that breaks my heart.

So now I’m back to the old me. I’ve locked up everything again, tighter than before. It shows. I can tell it does. I’m much more defensive, more combative, and more angry as of late. It really isn’t fair to everyone around me.

I will say this, to Apple Jacks if she’s reading this: It would take next to nothing to start the flame again. I think about you nearly every minute of every day. I miss you so fucking much. I would do anything to fix this.

Update Sept. 20, 2009: Since I wrote this, she quit from where we work together. So even if she reads this it’s all for nothing.

It’s been a tumultuous few days lately. I ended not being able to talk to Maddison for 3 days because I’m a dumb ass. Everything is good now, but it was rough seas for a while there. Oh, and I showed this post to two of my girl friends, and they both cried. Maybe I’m a little depressing?

Brody