Capt. H’s Weblog

Alright I know I’ve been slacking. For that, I am sorry. However, things have been actually very good in my life lately so I haven’t had too much to write about. Unfortunately if I want to have any output at all I have to have a broken heart or being currently involved in a train wreck relationship. Since neither of these is happening right now, there is obviously no writing to be done. But Amanda inspired me to write today, and I learned that if I want to write all I have to do is break my own heart which is easier to do than it sounds. Therefore, I give you what I wrote tonight. Not much, since I got distracted a bunch of times and lost my train of thought. But at least it’s something. The first two things are just quotes I’ve been bouncing around in my head for the last couple days. Still trying to get them nailed down.

She was just a girl whose love blinded her to how strong his love was.

Life goes on, except for those of us who have lost. Some of us are swept out to sea, some of us pick ourselves up, and some of us never recover. We watch others live their lives as though they’ve never hurt, burning with jealousy because we can’t keep living without the one who lit our fire. Without the flame, all that’s left to do is try and keep up the façade of life.

He stared at the blank page, willing the words to come. He sat praying that somehow he would find a way to transform his complex emotions, thoughts and feelings into crude and mundane words. He stared and stared; hoping that by some miracle a divine hand would reach down and help him string together the words that would bring her back. But it was an exercise in futility. What was the point in even trying when she’d made her opinion clear time and time again; things just weren’t the same, they weren’t the same, and nothing was the same. God that was what really got him; her constant declarations and loudly voiced opinions of the state of their lives. Didn’t she know he understood? Didn’t she understand how deeply her words cut him every time she would say how uncertain things were? He mused over these questions before tossing them to the wind; there was no point wondering and hoping for answers when he knew none would be found.

He stared at the page for a while longer, before finally giving up and storming to the kitchen to grab the bottle. This routine was as familiar to him as breathing now. The only way to relieve the tension and frustration that came from trying to write that fucking letter was to drink, and drink deeply at that. It dulled the pain, dulled his senses and of course, dulled the gaping hole in his heart that ached every second of every day. The hole that had ached, burned, froze and HURT for the last 3 years. He paused in his search for the bottle, the sensation of time passing hitting him like a ton of bricks. 3 years? Had it really been that long? His hands started to shake as the hollow sensation settled into his stomach. He knew what was coming now. He started frantically digging through the cabinets trying to find the bottle before the storm hit.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” he muttered under his breath as he felt the tears begin to well and his throat begin to tighten. He wouldn’t lose composure again. If he could just find the damn bottle…

Suddenly his fingers skidded across the familiar shape of the bottle. Grasping it tightly, he jerked it out from the cabinet, tore the cap off and took a healthy swallow. The whiskey burned all the way down, just the way he knew it would. He waited for the quiet fire to flood out from his stomach into the rest of his limbs. And as the numbness set in, he knew peace for a while.

Groggily, he awoke to a sunbeam across his face. This was always the worst; the transition from numb bliss to gradual awareness. Images flashed across his vision, each one tearing its claws into him, each one a shattered glass fragment of her. There, a smile and there, a happy memory. Here a vision of her in tears and here an image of her as she walked away for the last time; her hair glowing like fire in the sunlight, her shadow a perfect silhouette of her state of mind, her hands clenched into the tiny fists he’d found so adorable. As the memory faded away, his awareness faded in. He looked around and realized he’d fallen asleep on the kitchen floor. Dammit, he thought, no wonder she left you. Look at you, you’re pathetic. He squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them and lifted himself up off the floor, an oddly poetic metaphor for the situation he’d put himself in.

Alright, so I have a couple back logged posts from the 22nd. I never posted them because they didn’t feel right. It’s hard to explain, but other writers will get what I’m talking about. I usually don’t post something unless it flows. If I have to force a post, it feels wrong and I won’t post it. But the first half of this one came very easily, and I like the way it sounds so here it is.

As the moments alone became less and less frequent, I became addicted to you. You were more addictive than any drug, and every embrace , every whispered word, every fleeting ghost of a kiss became my fix. I knew I was in trouble after the first kiss we shared left me weak in the knees and struggling to breathe.

I think what I’ll miss most is the whispered words to each other. When the hugs would turn into an embrace, which would become…just holding each other. It was like we both knew that the time we’d have together, alone, was getting shorter. I can’t remember the last time you melted into my arms like you did at Sunbreaker.

I know this for a fact: the words Sunbreaker Cove are going to break my heart for a long time. I can’t forget, as much as I’ve tried. The way your face looked, the way you felt in my arms, the urgency, the joy, the sadness. It’s unbelievable the things you made me feel that day.

The rest of it is in the previous post, if you can decode my sloppy handwriting

Let me tell you an odd story about on of my friends, Ms. Chals.

A long while ago, I don’t remember how long, I received a text from a number I didn’t know. It was something misogynistic about steak on the table. At first I was concerned for whoever the text was actually directed to, so I replied with a very justified, “WTF? Who the eff is this?” Turns out that one of Chals’ friends had borrowed her phone and texted me by accident. So her and I talked. And kept talking. Soon, she had become one of my best friends, someone who I knew would keep my secrets, and who I could talk to about anything. But there’s just one little quirk.

I have never met her.

Weird right? I have never met Ms. Chals in person, never even heard her voice. Yes internet, she is who she says she is. I know this for a face. Calm down. But this lack of meeting has caused problems in the past. I have pushed to meet her, and she has pushed back just as hard not to. I eventually decided that it didn’t matter, because every time I pushed too hard she wouldn’t talk to me for a few weeks. And it really doesn’t matter if I’ve never met her. She’s awesome and an ass kicking factory just like me and that’s all I need to know.

Ms. Chals is most likely one of the nicest people I have ever had the fortune of meeting. She has an amazing heart, and is genuinely an amazingly kind person. She doesn’t judge me, and will always listen to me whine. She also knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. Whenever I have a problem I know that I can text her, vent and then giggle like a fool. She has the most important quality I look for in a friend: she makes me laugh.

She has been incredibly supportive of me during this whole ordeal with Apple Jacks. She has kept me smiling. Instead of offering pointless advice, or saying the same old things everyone says, she instead takes my mind off of everything and makes me forget how bad I think things are.

I am so lucky she gave me a chance, that she talked to me and got to know me. I made an amazing friend who I can be myself around. Somedays she is such a blessing in disguise.

So Ms Chals. Please keep doing what you do best: making me laugh, making me smile, and continually amazing me with your capacity for kindness. I hope I can return the favor someday.

Brody

“Cause Hope For Me Was A Place Uncharted”
“And It Hurts Remembering How It Felt To Shut Down”

It’s been a week. One week. Who knew that a person could run such an emotional gamut in such a short time? So what have I learned from then until now? Let’s make a list shall we?

1. You mean so much more to me than I could ever have guessed.
2. I think about you nonstop. The last few days, you are the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, the first thing I think of when I wake up, and all I think about between the two.
3. I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way again. I am completely terrified of the way my defenses melt around you.
4. I MISS you. I don’t think I missed Christine this much.

All in all, this is bat shit crazy. What am I supposed to do? You’re gone now. I’m not going to be seeing you anymore. So what do I do? I don’t want to forget you. I want this to work. I want you to leave him and be mine. How can I make you see that I’m better? From what I hear, he treats you so badly. How do you put up with that? You are so much better than that, and somewhere deep down you know it. I wish you wanted better, because I would be everything he’s not, do everything for you he doesn’t, treat you the way he won’t. There would be no stupid fights, no stupid jealousy, no controlling pathetic bullshit. It would just be you and me and that’s all. That’s all I need.

Let me let you in on a little secret. You wore vanilla perfume this weekend, and every time I smelled it I was almost in tears. The memories it brought back, the force with which they hit me was amazing. You probably already know this, but when we said goodbye on Sunday I was barely holding it together. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to begging.

I will forever regret last weekend. I was too stubborn and thickheaded, thats for damn sure. There’s so much left unsaid, so much that can’t be expressed through a Tweet, so much that can’t be fully voiced through a text. I wish I’d had the courage to sit you down, look you in the eyes and say what’s been on my mind. I know there’s no way I would have convinced you, but at least I could say I tried.

I miss you so much. I feel so empty, so hollow and so cold. I wish…well you know what I wish. At least I hope you do.

Do you know it’s your eyes that really make me crazy? I feel like you see right through me. When things were good, those eyes made me feel like the most important man alive. Lately…well, lately I can’t even look into your eyes. They just make me cry now, make me see what could have been.

What are you thinking? What’s going on in your head now? What are you feeling? Do you miss me, at all? Do you still feel the same? I’m dying to know. I would do anything to know. So please, if you’ve got an answer to any of these questions please tell me. PLEASE! Because not knowing is the worst part.

Brody

“Sometimes it’s easier to say you just don’t care, than to explain every single reason why you do”

I gave up. It’s really as simple as that. I gave up on Apple Jacks. I gave up on the possibility of us. And probably the saddest part, I gave up on the hope I’d felt for us.

I’ve been making excuses this whole week. Excuses for my behavior, and my temper and the way I’ve been treating people. It’s unfair, and I’m sorry. I have no legitimate excuse. The core of the problem lies with this whole snafu. I’m disappointed in myself for acting the way I did. I’ve been wondering; how could she do this to me? If she really felt the way she did, she would never have treated me this way. But the truth is, if I really felt the way I said I did, I would’ve fought. For her, for us, for the feelings she instilled in me.

This whole thing is so confusing. I know what I felt, and I would swear till I was blue in the face it was real. So why did I give up? Why?

I can think of several reasons, none of which I want to accept. I could say I did it because I’m not what’s best for her. That’s a lie. I’m better than he is, better for her, better all around.

I could say she was just some girl, and it was just a game. That’s a lie. I know what I felt is and was real, and I know I meant every word I said.

I could say I was too scared and ran, because that’s what I always do. But that’s a lie too. I was better with her. I was better for her. She made me want to rise above the life I’d built for myself. She made me believe I was more than I’d made myself.

So why did I do it? There really seems to be no answer. It would appear I just…gave up. And that breaks my heart.

So now I’m back to the old me. I’ve locked up everything again, tighter than before. It shows. I can tell it does. I’m much more defensive, more combative, and more angry as of late. It really isn’t fair to everyone around me.

I will say this, to Apple Jacks if she’s reading this: It would take next to nothing to start the flame again. I think about you nearly every minute of every day. I miss you so fucking much. I would do anything to fix this.

Update Sept. 20, 2009: Since I wrote this, she quit from where we work together. So even if she reads this it’s all for nothing.

It’s been a tumultuous few days lately. I ended not being able to talk to Maddison for 3 days because I’m a dumb ass. Everything is good now, but it was rough seas for a while there. Oh, and I showed this post to two of my girl friends, and they both cried. Maybe I’m a little depressing?

Brody

Whoof man, some days I wish I could be a kid again. To have that impenetrable kid skin, where you can shrug everything off would be a dream come true right now.

Honestly, I ain’t doing so good lately. I got my heart broken AGAIN, even though everyone warned me it was coming, especially the one who knows best (MOM). As usual though, I didn’t listen and now I’m acting surprised that this happened yet again. Should I really be though? It’s not like I didn’t see it coming. I broke every rule I’ve set for myself with this one, and she’s made me completely regret it. I trusted her, something I don’t do, and she took that trust and beat the shit out’ve me with it. Did I learn? No of course not. I went back for seconds, thirds, fourths and fifths. Because I’m just that special.

I think what really does my head in is that she actually doesn’t understand how badly she’s hurt me. And I think what hurts the most is that I thought she actually cared and was mature enough to make a choice. Why would she be? Maddi had it right when she said all this girl liked was the attention. She did love the attention. And now that she’s knows there’s no more coming she’s cut me loose. Silly me, for thinking you cared.

I’ve been a complete bag of shit as of late. It’s affecting my work, my relationships and pretty much every general aspect of my life. The last couple days, I’ve honestly had trouble even getting out of bed. I don’t see the point. She doesn’t care so why should I? I’m getting over it right quick as people explain to me what a douchecanoe I’m being. Why waste the emotion? She obviously doesn’t care, so why should I let myself get strung out over her?

I just wish I could wrap my head around the way her brain works. On the off chance she actually reads this, here’s some questions PRMM. Could you at least try and give me a straight answer?

1. Why in the fucking world would you expect sympathy when you know how I feel and what I wanted? Did you honestly think showing me that would put a smile on my face?
2. Why are you expecting an apology? I did nothing wrong. You made me feel like complete shit, and then went out’ve your way to make me feel even worse. You have continued to make me feel bad about this ever since. I’ve been around a few times and I’ve learned to spot when I’m being played. The fact that you would try to play me after knowing that I was played by the best is laughable. Keep holding your breath for that apology.
3. Why did you lie? This one hurts the most. All the times you said you’d jump, you said you cared, that you wanted me, why would you say them if you didn’t mean it? Especially after everything I did to let you in? WHY?
4. What is your fucking problem with Maddi? I’m going to make it real clear for you right now since you won’t listen when I try and explain. Ready?
SHE IS MY FUCKING FRIEND! NOTHING MORE! I DON’T FUCKING LOVE HER AND I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH HER! Yes she makes me smile, in the way my sister does because she knows just what to say when you completely shit on me. All I ever wanted was you, a fact that I thought was abundantly clear. Apparently, saying that to your face multiple times wasn’t enough. All I wanted was you. I just wanted to be with you, and know that you were mine. But apparently that’s too complicated for you. It doesn’t matter now because it’s too late and I’m completely in shock and awe at how you treated me. If you cared like you said you did, you would never have talked to me like that.

Above all, I just want to know why you acted the way you did. After everything I told you, and the way I opened up to you the last thing I expected was you to treat it like a game. I guess I was wrong about you, as I am from time to time.

So I guess we’ll file this one under Unsolved Lessons Learned, and make sure I remember that I need to listen to my mother from time to time.

Brody

Alright, so sue me but I’ve been writing outside of the internets lately. Good lord, I know. I even used a pen! And paper! Anyway, here’s the backlog:

August 29, 2009:

I can feel it building inside me, like the calm before the storm. All this hate and anger that’s been building lately is going to burst through the dam. It seems like everything lately is just one more thing to add to the pile. I don’t think I’ve ever kept this much built up inside. Even with Christine, I could always vent to other people about it. But with Apple Jacks, the only people I can unload on are Waphresh and Jilly Bean. Not exactly the greatest support team.

Why does the heart do what it does? I wish I could figure mine out. I know what I want, that’s for damn sure. I just need her to make a decision. Yes, I’ll be crushed if she doesn’t pick me, but I can deal. I won’t ever let anyone in like I did with Christine. There will always be one last wall up that will always be there. It’s not worth the hurt.

Some nights I honestly just lay awake and wonder what’s wrong with me. What am I doing wrong? Why don’t I deserve to be happy? WHY CAN’T THINGS JUST WORK OUT? Someday I hope I’ll have an answer. To know that all this suffering was just the prelude to something great. That’s what I look at it as. The tests I have to go through to be the person the One needs me to be.

September 3, 2009:
I’m not sure how well I’m hiding it, but lately I am fucking HURTING. I don’t know what’s been wrong, but something is off lately. I feel so emotionally exhausted. I’m always one wrong word away from tears. Seriously. I’ve had tears in my eyes so much lately. What’s going on with me? I’m locked up. Aren’t I? I think I’ve figured out what’s going on though: Maybe since I’ve been letting my walls down for Apple Jacks, everything else I’ve been keeping inside has been leaking out. So I’m faced with a dilemma: do I let her in or do I lock her out? I don’t know what to do. This is so frustrating! I’m scared to let her in, because what if I do and then she still picks Him? I don’t want to know that hurt again. It’s not worth it, not at all. I was so fucked up after last time, I literally almost died. But then, I believe she’s different. She has to be. She NEEDS to be. This has to be real.

What will it take? I’ve been racking my brains ever since we started talking about jumping. What do I have to do, to say, to be to make her believe I’ll be there to catch h er? It seems lately that all I’ve been doing is running headfirst into brick walls. I hate feeling this way; like no matter what I do I’m still going to fail. Some days it feels like there’s no point. Why should I even bother? I’ve thought and searched and done everything I can think of and its still not enough.

Some days this just feels like with Christine. I just think what a coward she is. If she really felt the ways she says she does, then it shouldn’t matter what obstacles there are. The fact that we care about each other should be enough.

And that’s the end of the backlog. Just a quick update. Since I wrote those, everything has changed. Her boyfriend asked her to stop talking to me, and she has had to oblige. So unfortunately for me that means that the whole thing is kind of done. Honestly, it hurts incredibly and feels like someone has just hollowed me out. I feel empty. But! I’m powering through, because I am a champ and there ain’t nothing gonna hold me down dammit! I’m trying very hard not to just shut down and be rude to her so she’ll hate me, because that would be the easy way out. I’ll try and keep updating about the situation. For now that’s all I’ve got.

Brody

Hello! It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything substantial, mainly because there hasn’t been anything substantial to post about. Oh, but how the tables have turned. Things are looking up, I’m feeling incredible and there ain’t no rain cloud in my world right now! Can you believe it? If you don’t, I’m not surprised because I can hardly believe my good fortune.

Prepare yourselves internet, because I’m about to drop a bomb. Are you ready? Here it comes:

I. Met. A. Girl.

That’s right! I met a real live walking, talking breathing girl who is actually into me. All the posts on here wondering why I’m such a fuck up, whats wrong with me, why do girls hate me, blah blah blah wah wah wah can all go suck dicks in hell because finally, I’ve met someone. Someone who likes me for me, doesn’t care that I’m such an asshole and at the end of the day can actually deal with and put up with me. I didn’t think she actually existed. My mind is actually still slightly blown by this whole turn of events. Can I get a what what?

Alright, time for the bad news. And with me, isn’t that all there ever is? This whole relationship could all be for naught. It could end up being a summer romance. But I would be okay with that because this girl has lit my fire and made me feel alive. The important part of that last sentence I want you to take away with you is that someone out there has actually made me feel something. Surprise! Like I said though, there is almost a 100% certainty that come September, it’ll all go away. And I’m fine with that. This whole whirlwind will have been worth it just to know that I can feel, and to know that someone actually felt something about me.

The odd thing about this whole thing is, I never pictured myself being in the situation I’m in with her. To be honest, I absolutely hated her guts for a long time. I never even thought she’d be anything to me. But it all changed at Sylvan Lake. I will never forget the days Waphresh and I spent there, almost all of our time spent waiting, hoping and trying to make sure that we could see her for just one more second, one more minute, one more hour. Now, that makes it sound like Waphresh and I were trying to double team her. Not the case! There’s more to the story that I can’t tell, because I have to respect Waphresh’s privacy. But Sylvan is where it started, and I’m so thankful for that night.

I could go on and on about her. I won’t, because that’s faggy and I get enough of that. But here’s what you need to know:

1) She makes me feel happy
2) She infuriates me like no one has ever been able to.
3) Her smile can turn it all around and makes me wonder why I was ever angry.
4) I’m falling in love with her, and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do when September comes.

Mother, since I know you’ll read this, and since I know you, I don’t need the lecture I know you’ll want to give me. It’s my decision to put myself in this situation, and I’ll gladly take whats coming because I know that there was something real and that’s all that matters. That I felt something and that I felt a connection with someone again. You know what Christine did to me better than anyone, so be happy that there is actually some girl out there that can make me open up like this one does.

And that’s all I’ve got. I’m sure I’m going to go back and read this post and ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. But for now I’m enjoying to glow I feel thinking about how you feel in my arms.

Brody