This is not going to end well for me. I can already feel it. This is going to end with me destroyed, I just know it. And why would I think any differently? It’s all I’ve ever known. She is either going to pick being single, or pick him. I am not even in the running. I am simply a plaything to keep her amused until she decides which of those two she wants. I should run like hell, get out now before the shit really hits the fan. But I have an odd affinity for being hurt. I think I just like that I get to self destruct after it happens. I love that it’s an excuse to be bummed, to be able to drink every night, to be able to smoke as much as I want, to up the amount of completely self-destructive things I love to do.
And now that I’ve decided she won’t pick me, I’ll find a way to unintentionally make that happen. I won’t even mean for it to happen, it just will. I’ll do or say something so stupid that it leaves her no choice but to leave me behind, hate me, despise me so much she never wants to see me again. What have I become that this is all I know? What made me this way? I really need to distance myself from the entire human race because all I ever end up doing is being hurt or hurting someone. I’m really just sick of feeling hope constantly die, and am quite ready to throw my hands up in surrender and ignore hope and happy feelings for as long as I can.
Right now I’m teetering on the edge of complete emotional shut down or happiness. It always seems to come down to those two. But I’m feeling myself start to falter into emotionless. Because I do want her, I want her so fucking bad. But I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. And if I just shut down, I wouldn’t feel anything. Wouldn’t that be lovely?
