I’m sitting here on the deck, the deck where it all fucking began, and I can’t get my mind off you. I’ve consumed enough rum to take down Johnny Depp and I still can’t stop fucking thinking about you.
How is this fair? Why would we finally be aloud to find out about the others feelings when there’s no god damn way for us to be together? It’s not fair, not by a fucking long shot. But then again, nothing about the last 5 years has been fair. Every opportunity ends in disappointment, every girl ends in heartbreak, all the while stuck in debt and mostly miserable. So hey, whoever runs the Universe, I’ve had enough. I don’t know why you decided it was okay to send 5 FUCKING YEARS of nonstop continuous never-ending bullshit my way, but enough is enough. Although if this is your last hurrah then I’ve underestimated the vindictiveness of said Universe. Having a girl, an amazing beautiful girl who I clicked with, offered and then stolen away is nothing new. I’ve got so many degrees in rejection I could teach a course about it.
The unfairness of this whole situation is what really gets to me. To give me less than 12 hours to see how it could be then rob me of it is fucking criminal. Nobody should ever feel the death of hope, and nobody should have to fucking go through it as often as I do. What the fuck have I ever done to fucking deserve this?
Girl (not said like a rapper, but because I can’t name names), I know this is scary as shit. But the only reason you can’t picture life any other way is because he’s all you’ve ever known. Sometimes we have to take everything we know and fucking detonate it. Sometimes we just have to have the fucking balls to say I don’t know what’s going to happen next, or happen if I do this, and say fuck it and do it anyway. Because I know you don’t want to be in a loveless marriage, you told me so yourself. You don’t want to end up like your grandmother. Well guess fucking what? Getting back together with someone you don’t even love in the hopes you might love him someday is a recipe for just that. You can’t make yourself fall in love with someone, no matter how hard you try. But guess what? There is someone who cares about you, someone who would give you everything he had and beyond that. I know you feel it too, because when we were together it was so fucking effortless, it was like we’d been together for years. I just want a chance! I just want you to take a leap with me and if it doesn’t work, it’s not like he’s fucking going anywhere. But you can do better and you fucking know it. So cut the shit and take this chance with me.
Right now things are bad for me. Right now I’m trying to make my liver earn its keep. And right now I fucking hurt. I’m completely awestruck at the unfairness of life, at the raw aching pain in my chest, and at the fact that you’re so scared of change you’re willing to lie to yourself about something so major. As an aside, I’m also surprised I’m still standing considering the amount of booze I’ve ingested.
Just fucking think about it. Seriously. Don’t be like every other girl and tell me how amazing I am and how I’ll meet that perfect girl SOME DAY. I fucking hate that. Because some day is an ambiguous concept somewhere in the future. Right now it’s today, and today I’m fucking hurting. Don’t feed me horseshit and tell me it’s chocolate. I know it’s a lot I’m asking, but just let your mind wander. How amazing could it be? All you have to do is step off that ledge. I promise I’m waiting to break your fall.
Brody
