Capt. H’s Weblog

Alright, so I have a couple back logged posts from the 22nd. I never posted them because they didn’t feel right. It’s hard to explain, but other writers will get what I’m talking about. I usually don’t post something unless it flows. If I have to force a post, it feels wrong and I won’t post it. But the first half of this one came very easily, and I like the way it sounds so here it is.

As the moments alone became less and less frequent, I became addicted to you. You were more addictive than any drug, and every embrace , every whispered word, every fleeting ghost of a kiss became my fix. I knew I was in trouble after the first kiss we shared left me weak in the knees and struggling to breathe.

I think what I’ll miss most is the whispered words to each other. When the hugs would turn into an embrace, which would become…just holding each other. It was like we both knew that the time we’d have together, alone, was getting shorter. I can’t remember the last time you melted into my arms like you did at Sunbreaker.

I know this for a fact: the words Sunbreaker Cove are going to break my heart for a long time. I can’t forget, as much as I’ve tried. The way your face looked, the way you felt in my arms, the urgency, the joy, the sadness. It’s unbelievable the things you made me feel that day.

The rest of it is in the previous post, if you can decode my sloppy handwriting

Let me tell you an odd story about on of my friends, Ms. Chals.

A long while ago, I don’t remember how long, I received a text from a number I didn’t know. It was something misogynistic about steak on the table. At first I was concerned for whoever the text was actually directed to, so I replied with a very justified, “WTF? Who the eff is this?” Turns out that one of Chals’ friends had borrowed her phone and texted me by accident. So her and I talked. And kept talking. Soon, she had become one of my best friends, someone who I knew would keep my secrets, and who I could talk to about anything. But there’s just one little quirk.

I have never met her.

Weird right? I have never met Ms. Chals in person, never even heard her voice. Yes internet, she is who she says she is. I know this for a face. Calm down. But this lack of meeting has caused problems in the past. I have pushed to meet her, and she has pushed back just as hard not to. I eventually decided that it didn’t matter, because every time I pushed too hard she wouldn’t talk to me for a few weeks. And it really doesn’t matter if I’ve never met her. She’s awesome and an ass kicking factory just like me and that’s all I need to know.

Ms. Chals is most likely one of the nicest people I have ever had the fortune of meeting. She has an amazing heart, and is genuinely an amazingly kind person. She doesn’t judge me, and will always listen to me whine. She also knows exactly what to say to cheer me up. Whenever I have a problem I know that I can text her, vent and then giggle like a fool. She has the most important quality I look for in a friend: she makes me laugh.

She has been incredibly supportive of me during this whole ordeal with Apple Jacks. She has kept me smiling. Instead of offering pointless advice, or saying the same old things everyone says, she instead takes my mind off of everything and makes me forget how bad I think things are.

I am so lucky she gave me a chance, that she talked to me and got to know me. I made an amazing friend who I can be myself around. Somedays she is such a blessing in disguise.

So Ms Chals. Please keep doing what you do best: making me laugh, making me smile, and continually amazing me with your capacity for kindness. I hope I can return the favor someday.

Brody

“Cause Hope For Me Was A Place Uncharted”
“And It Hurts Remembering How It Felt To Shut Down”

It’s been a week. One week. Who knew that a person could run such an emotional gamut in such a short time? So what have I learned from then until now? Let’s make a list shall we?

1. You mean so much more to me than I could ever have guessed.
2. I think about you nonstop. The last few days, you are the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, the first thing I think of when I wake up, and all I think about between the two.
3. I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way again. I am completely terrified of the way my defenses melt around you.
4. I MISS you. I don’t think I missed Christine this much.

All in all, this is bat shit crazy. What am I supposed to do? You’re gone now. I’m not going to be seeing you anymore. So what do I do? I don’t want to forget you. I want this to work. I want you to leave him and be mine. How can I make you see that I’m better? From what I hear, he treats you so badly. How do you put up with that? You are so much better than that, and somewhere deep down you know it. I wish you wanted better, because I would be everything he’s not, do everything for you he doesn’t, treat you the way he won’t. There would be no stupid fights, no stupid jealousy, no controlling pathetic bullshit. It would just be you and me and that’s all. That’s all I need.

Let me let you in on a little secret. You wore vanilla perfume this weekend, and every time I smelled it I was almost in tears. The memories it brought back, the force with which they hit me was amazing. You probably already know this, but when we said goodbye on Sunday I was barely holding it together. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to begging.

I will forever regret last weekend. I was too stubborn and thickheaded, thats for damn sure. There’s so much left unsaid, so much that can’t be expressed through a Tweet, so much that can’t be fully voiced through a text. I wish I’d had the courage to sit you down, look you in the eyes and say what’s been on my mind. I know there’s no way I would have convinced you, but at least I could say I tried.

I miss you so much. I feel so empty, so hollow and so cold. I wish…well you know what I wish. At least I hope you do.

Do you know it’s your eyes that really make me crazy? I feel like you see right through me. When things were good, those eyes made me feel like the most important man alive. Lately…well, lately I can’t even look into your eyes. They just make me cry now, make me see what could have been.

What are you thinking? What’s going on in your head now? What are you feeling? Do you miss me, at all? Do you still feel the same? I’m dying to know. I would do anything to know. So please, if you’ve got an answer to any of these questions please tell me. PLEASE! Because not knowing is the worst part.

Brody

“Sometimes it’s easier to say you just don’t care, than to explain every single reason why you do”

I gave up. It’s really as simple as that. I gave up on Apple Jacks. I gave up on the possibility of us. And probably the saddest part, I gave up on the hope I’d felt for us.

I’ve been making excuses this whole week. Excuses for my behavior, and my temper and the way I’ve been treating people. It’s unfair, and I’m sorry. I have no legitimate excuse. The core of the problem lies with this whole snafu. I’m disappointed in myself for acting the way I did. I’ve been wondering; how could she do this to me? If she really felt the way she did, she would never have treated me this way. But the truth is, if I really felt the way I said I did, I would’ve fought. For her, for us, for the feelings she instilled in me.

This whole thing is so confusing. I know what I felt, and I would swear till I was blue in the face it was real. So why did I give up? Why?

I can think of several reasons, none of which I want to accept. I could say I did it because I’m not what’s best for her. That’s a lie. I’m better than he is, better for her, better all around.

I could say she was just some girl, and it was just a game. That’s a lie. I know what I felt is and was real, and I know I meant every word I said.

I could say I was too scared and ran, because that’s what I always do. But that’s a lie too. I was better with her. I was better for her. She made me want to rise above the life I’d built for myself. She made me believe I was more than I’d made myself.

So why did I do it? There really seems to be no answer. It would appear I just…gave up. And that breaks my heart.

So now I’m back to the old me. I’ve locked up everything again, tighter than before. It shows. I can tell it does. I’m much more defensive, more combative, and more angry as of late. It really isn’t fair to everyone around me.

I will say this, to Apple Jacks if she’s reading this: It would take next to nothing to start the flame again. I think about you nearly every minute of every day. I miss you so fucking much. I would do anything to fix this.

Update Sept. 20, 2009: Since I wrote this, she quit from where we work together. So even if she reads this it’s all for nothing.

It’s been a tumultuous few days lately. I ended not being able to talk to Maddison for 3 days because I’m a dumb ass. Everything is good now, but it was rough seas for a while there. Oh, and I showed this post to two of my girl friends, and they both cried. Maybe I’m a little depressing?

Brody

Whoof man, some days I wish I could be a kid again. To have that impenetrable kid skin, where you can shrug everything off would be a dream come true right now.

Honestly, I ain’t doing so good lately. I got my heart broken AGAIN, even though everyone warned me it was coming, especially the one who knows best (MOM). As usual though, I didn’t listen and now I’m acting surprised that this happened yet again. Should I really be though? It’s not like I didn’t see it coming. I broke every rule I’ve set for myself with this one, and she’s made me completely regret it. I trusted her, something I don’t do, and she took that trust and beat the shit out’ve me with it. Did I learn? No of course not. I went back for seconds, thirds, fourths and fifths. Because I’m just that special.

I think what really does my head in is that she actually doesn’t understand how badly she’s hurt me. And I think what hurts the most is that I thought she actually cared and was mature enough to make a choice. Why would she be? Maddi had it right when she said all this girl liked was the attention. She did love the attention. And now that she’s knows there’s no more coming she’s cut me loose. Silly me, for thinking you cared.

I’ve been a complete bag of shit as of late. It’s affecting my work, my relationships and pretty much every general aspect of my life. The last couple days, I’ve honestly had trouble even getting out of bed. I don’t see the point. She doesn’t care so why should I? I’m getting over it right quick as people explain to me what a douchecanoe I’m being. Why waste the emotion? She obviously doesn’t care, so why should I let myself get strung out over her?

I just wish I could wrap my head around the way her brain works. On the off chance she actually reads this, here’s some questions PRMM. Could you at least try and give me a straight answer?

1. Why in the fucking world would you expect sympathy when you know how I feel and what I wanted? Did you honestly think showing me that would put a smile on my face?
2. Why are you expecting an apology? I did nothing wrong. You made me feel like complete shit, and then went out’ve your way to make me feel even worse. You have continued to make me feel bad about this ever since. I’ve been around a few times and I’ve learned to spot when I’m being played. The fact that you would try to play me after knowing that I was played by the best is laughable. Keep holding your breath for that apology.
3. Why did you lie? This one hurts the most. All the times you said you’d jump, you said you cared, that you wanted me, why would you say them if you didn’t mean it? Especially after everything I did to let you in? WHY?
4. What is your fucking problem with Maddi? I’m going to make it real clear for you right now since you won’t listen when I try and explain. Ready?
SHE IS MY FUCKING FRIEND! NOTHING MORE! I DON’T FUCKING LOVE HER AND I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH HER! Yes she makes me smile, in the way my sister does because she knows just what to say when you completely shit on me. All I ever wanted was you, a fact that I thought was abundantly clear. Apparently, saying that to your face multiple times wasn’t enough. All I wanted was you. I just wanted to be with you, and know that you were mine. But apparently that’s too complicated for you. It doesn’t matter now because it’s too late and I’m completely in shock and awe at how you treated me. If you cared like you said you did, you would never have talked to me like that.

Above all, I just want to know why you acted the way you did. After everything I told you, and the way I opened up to you the last thing I expected was you to treat it like a game. I guess I was wrong about you, as I am from time to time.

So I guess we’ll file this one under Unsolved Lessons Learned, and make sure I remember that I need to listen to my mother from time to time.

Brody