Alright, so I promised my journal post and here it is. It’s over the span of a couple days, so I’ll date them as I go.
April 25, 2009: I’m starting to crack. My carefully constructed, polished, seamless armor is starting to come apart. I’ve always wondered what it would take to break me. I don’t like the answer so far.
Maybe I deserve it though. I’ve been a pretty terrible example of a human being the last couple weeks. I lied to someone who cared about me, fell for a load of complete horseshit like I always do, used my friends, used a girl, cheated, hurt and every other terrible thing you can think of. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why is it that once things start going good I always find some way to fuck it up? I started with one girl, got bumped up to two, and ended up with none (which Atul called).
Some things didn’t go to complete shit. Me and Wahaj are getting along great. It’s become incredibly clear to me who is a true friend and who isn’t. That last one really broke my heart though. It sucks when you realize someone you thought was family ends up hurting you.
It’s not as bad as it sounds though. I’m just a whiner. I’ve just been feeling lonely lately. It gets tough being the only single one in your group. It grinds on you after a while. Lately the last thing I want to hear about is your girlfriend. Drives me up the wall.
Taylor has become an unbelievable nuisance to me. Some days it takes all my self-restraint not to backhand her. It’s ridiculous. She knows just how to push my buttons. I wish I could just get in her face and lose my shit. She needs to get taken down to the bottom of the pegboard.
The problems with my ex have reached the point where I just want to cut my losses and get the hell out. It hurts too, because she’ll always have a piece of me, and not having her in my life leaves a hole inside me that no one will ever fill. No one can ever take her place in my heart, but sometimes you need to realize when it’s time to let go.
Even writing that hurt. But it might be time to move on.
April 29, 2009: “Always the friend, never the lover.”
The words rang in the Mans head. He hadn’t been able to get them out’ve his head for days. That one single sentence had been able to cut him to his core had shaken him, badly. That someone could see right through him so easily was terrifying.
He sat alone, nursing a glass of the hardest drink he could find. Some hero he was. If people could see him now; would they understand? To always be on the outside looking in took its toll. It could break the mightiest men, reduce them to sobbing, hollow shells of the people they were.
When the Man thought of all he’d done over the years for girls, the endless favors, the problems that always seemed to be mountains that needed moving, the endless hours spent listening to tear filled phone calls, it made him feel so used. The mountains always ended up being nothing more than a molehill, the tears always dried when they ran back to the arms of the next asshole. It was all so futile. Was there any point in looking for love? It always ended in loneliness.
April 30, 2009: It’s been rough lately. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. It feels like the world keeps pushing and pushing, stretching me to my limits. Well world, this man can only take so much. What will it take for the powers that be to understand that? Me snapping? Me losing my cool? I guess we’ll know when we know.
May 2, 2009:
Enough! Motherfucking enough is enough. I absolutely and completely cannot TAKE THIS anymore! What does it take to break a man? Feeling this alone. Feeling this hopeless about everything. Always the friend? What a fucking joke. I quit. I give up. There is no one who can make this hurt less. No one who can ease this pain. Why bother even looking? Why bother even trying? There’s no point. A heart this broken won’t ever heal. A man this twisted can never find someone to take him as he is. I give up putting up the facade, the mask, the armor. There will never be anyone to impress, so why fucking bother?
I am nothing but a shell, a ghost, a broken vessel. I’m so fucking lonely it’s broken me. It hurts so bad. What am I doing wrong? Why am I so fucking repulsive to the other sex? What is it about me that so repulses women? I DON’T UNDERSTAND! And I’ve fucking had it. All I want in this whole world is to find someone to be with, to love, and to know I’m loved. Is that such an unreasonable request? Is it so much to ask to just be wanted, to be validated by knowing someone loves me? Apparently my happiness doesn’t matter to anyone but me.
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. You manage to break my heart and be my sunshine all at once. How do you do it? How! I hear you talk about what you want, and nod my head and offer platitudes, but on the inside I’m screaming. Begging you to open your eyes and see whats right in front of you. If I would do this much for you now, imagine what it could be if we were in love. I would change the world for you. I would move mountains and shatter the earth just to hear you say I LOVE YOU and truly mean it.
All I want is to scream. Just scream until I’m nothing. But I won’t. I’ll hold it in till I snap, till I can’t take it anymore. There’s no point in talking about it. Nothing will change. What will change with a few words?
So I’ll go to sleep, get up and put my fake smile on and pretend it doesn’t KILL ME. And who will know the difference?
B
And that’s what’s been going on the last couple days. Ugh dark stuff.
Brody
