All I can think is oh my God, what have I done? I intervened where I shouldn’t have, of this much I’m sure. What the hell was I thinking? What in the world made me think I had any right? It’s not my place, and I knew that. And I still stuck my nose where it didn’t belong. I’m a fool.
I broke up two people who loved each other. Granted, it was a twisted, harsh love, but it was love nonetheless. And now she wants me. Me! I’m nobody. I’m worthless. This girl is absolutely amazing. I keep asking myself, am I the best she’ll ever get? And the answer I keep coming up with is no, I am most certainly not the best she’ll ever get. Which brings us full circle to the fact that I’m a fool.
What I’m most scared of is that all I care about is the chase. Will I still feel this way if I get her? I definitely think that I’m falling in love, but how would I know? Do I really know what love is? And even if the answer to that question is yes, do I really want to fall in love again? I learned a lot of hard lessons last time. You can’t rely on anyone but yourself. Love is almost never enough. And above all, don’t fall in love! It’s the dumbest thing you can do. After learning all that, what do I do? I go and start falling in love all over again. I’m an idiot.
But what am I supposed to do? She’s constantly on my mind, always ready to intrude on my thoughts if I’m not careful. I try and make sure that I don’t think about her that much, because I don’t want to get too into her, just in case she makes the wrong choice again. But it’s hard to be so careful when she’s clearly so amazing. Can I stress again the fact that she likes me. What could she possibly see in me? Not to sound like I’m having a pity party here or anything, but I’m clearly not the most amazing guy around. I’ve got more than my fair share of faults, most of which I display as publicly as possible so people know right away what they’re getting into.
She’s gone away this week, and I’m so scared she’s going to come back and realize what a jerk I am. That she wouldn’t be trading up, she’d be trading down. Ugh, I can’t get my thoughts all lined up. It’s bothering me. But I’ve got a week here to figure shit out, so hopefully I’ll get my act together. Fail.
